Thursday, July 22, 2004

I'm on Day 3 or 4 of Eric sleeping in his crib all night. I watched that commerical yesterday where the middle aged couple chases giant "Z"s with legs through a landscape of twilight strip malls. That's me right now. Only I look as desparate as a diabetic child in a candy shop. It's so close.. but it's not for me. Only the insanity has just begun. I can't believe Donald Rumsfeld thought that depriving inmates of sleep wasn't torture. I feel like the front right side of my brain has frozen into a thick chunk of lead.

Sleep. It's all I can think about. I want it more than food, sex or chocolate. I want to go to sleep, and stay asleep for five or six hours.

The nights are going like this.  He goes down at 8, no problem. He's up at 1 to nurse. Then he goes back down. But this whole process takes about an hour. Then it takes me an hour to fall back to sleep. I can hardly fault Eric for taking his time getting back to sleep at night. God knows I can't do it. So, I fall asleep at three and he wakes us up at 5. Then I get him back to sleep without nursing. He really works at it, so it's not like I feel like it's OK to let him cry.

I think this will go on about a week, and then we'll be down to 1 night waking. These two are just habit. I can hear him waking up and going back to sleep at other times. It's just that he thinks it's time to nurse. So he wakes up all the way. My theory is that if there's no nursing he'll stop waking up.

I think this is the most tired I've ever been since I had him.

I really don't mind the first time he wakes up.  We nurse and cuddle in the dark and he goes back to sleep. But he really wants me in the room while he does that. I've been creeping closer to the door every time he falls alseep. Eventually, I'll stand more or less out of sight and he won't need my help.

But there has been progress. We went from 3-5 night wakings in our bed to two, in his own bed. But none of us were sleeping well with him there any more. This is really hard. But it really feels like the right thing to do now. He's adapting really well to the new routine. If I could just get him to not wake up at five I would be so happy.

I'm not praying about this. Now, I only pray for good health for my family. I don't want to waste my prayers on anything that I know I can live through. I just pray for help being a good mother.

I don't believe in organized religion, but I do believe in God.


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