yesterday it was my birthday. It was an astonishingly low key event at my office. Recently our office manager decided we weren't going to have birthday parties any more. Which is fine, but now nobody even says happy birthday. I'm getting a little sick of it.
Rich is miserable at work. He comes home pale and stressed looking like his soul is slowly being sucked from his ear. I really want him to quit, but it just seems better for us if he waits until September, unless of course he finds another job in the interim. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. In September, I'll go back to work full time. To say the least, I have mixed feelings about this. I do like my job, I like it a lot. But I don't make enough money to pay for fulltime childcare and groceries for me and my family. Rich has to give me an allowance. I can't believe how expensive groceries are. I thought me cooking all the time would be cheaper than going out to eat and getting takeout-- and it is, but not cheaper enough. My point is, that I won't be netting much more than I am now after paying for 5 days a week in childcare. AND I won't have a full day to spend with The Boy and run errands.
I was feeling outrageously guilty this morning about not wanting to be a Stay-at-home-mom. I feel like it means that I don't love my baby enough. But I love my baby more than I ever imagined possible. He is my favorite person in the whole world. When he's resting in my arms I feel like I'm holding the worlds most precious gift. That ring from Lord of the Rings has 1% of the allure of my son (who has all the draw and none of the evil) But I don't want to not work. I see so many women who didn't like their jobs much and thought, "I know.. I'll have a baby and I won't work for a while!" And they're even more miserable than they were before. but now they're racked with guilt about being miserable. I think, the best thing we can do for our kids is be happy. I know some SAHMS that are SO happy with that choice. There's nowhere else they'd rather be, and I know some that seem to want to eat their own heads. The most ideal choice for me, would be to continue working part time. But methinks that's not an option. My second choice is to get paid really well so that I'm not just breaking even on the childcare and the groceries. My third choice is to stay where I am, because at least at Emerson, I can have a very regular schedule.