Friday, November 19, 2004

I've just realized that W's second term will have more immediate effects of me and my family than I thought. I am devastated. If the administration gets it's latest tax proposal( through, our taxes will increase significantly. But more importantly, if the federal government stops providing business with a tax deduction for employer-provided health coverage, Rich may not be able to provide our family with health care through his job. If the international boycott of US goods and services gains traction, that will mean the recession at home will deepen. Although he is looking to work in medical devices/medical software, those industries could still be squeezed by the weakening dollar and lack of health-care deductions for their employees. Therefore, it would be very irresponsible for me to leave my job for a part time one.

This is devastating. I'll feel like a bad mother if I have to keep my baby in full time care for his entire toddlerhood. But it would be even worse if many employers give up on providing healthcare and I had given up my stable job. As a college my employer is already exempt from Federal taxes, so the new deductions --or lack thereof will not effect them.

But how would I feel if I left this job for a less stable part-time one, and Rich ended up without insurance?

I'll leave it up to God like most Americans. I'm offering up. How do I sacrifice the quality of my kid's childhood by not being around?

I'm so sorry that 51% of America is so foolish.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Tuesday morning Eric awakened just before five. We usually plop him in our bed and he goes back to sleep. Sometimes quicker than others. Yesterday he didn't. He kicked, thrashed, cried and whined. At around 6:30 AM he climbed over me and started running around the room like Chucky.

I was exhausted all day Wednesday. Tuesday night he slept through the night for the most part. Then last night he woke up fussing at 2:30. I'm sure it's the molars. They're coming in so slowly. It's driving us all nuts. So I gave him some ibuprofin rocked him and put him back in his crib. He wanted to come into bed with us. It's amazing how I can discern his cries. Last night he was angry at me for putting him in his crib. I can tell the difference between that, and a cry of pain. Or at least I think I can. The former sounds more forced and yell-y. The latter is shrill and desperate.

So, I kind of "ferber'd" him again. It took an hour to get him back to sleep. He'd lie down if I was in the room with him, but he'd give up after a few minutes and start yelling. So, I left him for about two minutes and let him yell, and then I went in and lay him back down, and then I'd leave. Then he'd start yelling again after about two minutes so I let him yell for five minutes, which felt like an eternity to me and Rich. Then I lay him down again and he went to sleep.

But I couldn't get back to sleep. I started sneezing and my nose was running nonstop for over an hour. So, I was late to work again, and I'm exhausted today. Eric seemed a little mad at me this morning, but I quickly realized that it was in my head. How can we deal with this sleep conundrum without making ourselves sick or crippling ourselves with guilt?

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

I have a new motto: Think Locally. Act Locally. I think the South had it right with their whole States Rights idea. This article on Salon sums it up pretty well. It's a great read and it speaks to how I'm feeling at the moment. "We'll just make sure that abortion remains safe and legal in the cities where we live, and the states we control, and when your daughter or sister or mother dies in a botched abortion, we'll try not to feel too awful about it."

That's about the sum of it, isn't it? I think those of us with solid progressive ideals will continue to thrive in cities, and more and more progressives will move out of red states as they continue to pass more draconian laws that curb their civil liberties. Perhaps we should throw the mantle of States Rights on our shoulders as the conservatives have for years. Even the more conservative Supreme Court Justices tend to rule in favor of States Rights, don't they?

Monday, November 15, 2004

Today I picked up Eric from school. Usually I can see him playing through the window of his classroom and he starts bawling the moment I open the door as if he thinks I will leave him there again.

Today he didn't cry. He just walked up to me and put his arms up for me to pick him up. Then we went to his classroom to get his coat and he plucked his lunchbox off the shelf and handed it to me. SO cute.

I had less than warm fuzzies about his daycare today. They only changed him twice and his diaper was very wet when I changed it today. And he had a little diaper rash on his tushie, which he almost NEVER has.

I miss him so much when I'm at work. Rich is cranking away on his job-search. He's really networking aggressively with everybody he knows. He's applying for jobs left and right. Hopefully he'll get some more interviews soon. I keep seeing part time IT jobs on craigslist and I really want to apply for them. But there's no point until we know what and where Rich will be working. He got a call today from a recruiter for a software engineering job back at Teradyne. I thought that was pretty funny.

I really want to work part time. It's just so idyllic. I make some money, more than enough to cover Eric's daycare and I get to spend more time with my son. Right now he's closer to Rich than to me, and that hurts a little. But I feel really selfless about it in a way. Rich is with him more than me, so he's kind of in the "mommy" role. I'm just happy that Eric seems so happy and safe with his parents. But I feel like I'm missing out. Rich is just so much better at playing with him than me. I get so bored after a few hours, but Rich is the duracell battery of parenthood. He can make lego towers for Eric to knock down for hours. But the older he gets the easier it is for me to play with him. He likes to bring me books and sit in my lap while I read them.

ok, I'm rambling.

I'll stop now. Need sleep...