Saturday, May 22, 2004

We watched the last episode of Angel on Thursday night. I was really sad to see it go. I think it went rather quietly. At least Buffy had a 2 hour finale. Rich got me a Tivo for mother's day. I thought with Angel, Buffy and Friends gone there would be nothing left to Tivo. But we seem to have become obsessed with various HGTV shows. It's taping "Designed to Sell" (Because we're going to sell our condo in a year) "This Old House" and "Dream House." We're getting psyched up to do an addition at what is now our income property. We're also taping Scrubs, Family Guy Ab Fab and Coupling.

The thing that makes me nuts about these DIY shows is the budgets. They have at least 2 professional carpenters and a designer thrown into a 1k budget. The labor alone on some of these projects is a few thousand dollars (at least in this area). IF you can get somebody GOOD with the skills who is willing to work on a small job. But these people in "designed to sell" are so depressing. They live in these dated houses for decades without making changes. We bought a house last year and found out that they had no electricity in their half bath. There was no outlet and the overhead light wasn't connected to anything. to fix that and 2 others (also disconnected) was all of $300. How can you have no power in your bathroom? How do you read if you want to go at NIGHT? And the clutter! My GOD. We take many carloads a year over to Salvation Army and Good Will. I'm not a "stuff" person. I get rid of things all the time. My parent's house is really cluttered. Both my parents fantisize about backing a dumpster up to the house and throwing out the other one's stuff. But neither is willing to part with their own stuff. Another fact about my family. They don't use suitcases. They move their stuff back and forth to their weekend place in plastic laundry baskets. I think my husband has been a good influence on me in this respect. We use luggage when we go out there.

Friday, May 21, 2004

Today was nice. It was my day off to play with The Boy. I met up with a friend of mine and we went to the park with the babies. Her son is a week younger than mine.

a lot of "SAHMS" (Stay at home moms)often tell me emphatically how busy they are. (Not the mom I was hanging out with today). But a lot of them are really defensive to me about their choice. I went back to work after a 12 week maternity leave. I think staying at home with your baby is a lot more difficult than going to work and getting a break from your baby. I am crazy about The Boy. Having a baby is like falling in that crazy falling-in-love that can be SO unhealthy when you're in you 20's. It's that rush, but it has none of the dangerous elements to it. But hanging out with a baby day-in-day out is exhausting. It's much easier for me to go to work and use the grown up part of my brain. I do feel bad for women who leave jobs that they didn't like that much, especially if they are in their 30's. It must be tough to be at that point in your career and not have found a job or a career that you're excited about. And I'm talking about women who have had all the advantages, good education etc. And after over 10 years in the workplace, they still don't like what they're doing. It's a bummer. In some ways, I wish I wanted to stay home with The Boy, but I think I'd really miss work. Plus, I work in IT, so I'd have to start over if I took a few years off. I feel very lucky that I even got to choose. These days I feel lucky most of the time. I wonder why America has this fear of aging. Perhaps our bodies start to disappoint us, but life keeps getting better. Most of my friends have started to settle down with babies and partners as we start to swim into our mid thirties. Some of them ended up with really horrible partners, but those are few and far between. Most of them are great partners.

Last night after The Boy went to sleep, The Husband was applying for new jobs on the Internet. He said he'd written an enthusiastic cover letter. I said what did it say? and on the spot we made up the worlds worst cover letter. It sounded somethink like this:

Dear Sir,

I really want to work as your company. Last week we had company at our house and my wife made them dinner. So I would have my wife make dinner for your company sometimes. I will not come to work naked.



We went on and on. We laughed so hard we woke up The Boy.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

I feel slightly nauseous that the seemingly female friendly Curves is giving money to millitant anti-abortion groups. There could be so much common ground in the abortion debate. However nobody seems willing to see it. I think the pro-choice movement needs to be just that, about CHOICE. If a woman gets pregnant under sub-ideal circumstances there is a lot of pressure to terminate the pregnancy. I think these groups could work in conjunction to create resources for women who want to have 'inconvenient' babies, but don't know what to do. Anti-abortion groups pour all their time and energy into preventing abortions and not enough time supporting the millions of unwanted children in the US. The foster care system is a disaster. Let's get that fixed and then we can talk about allowing more unwanted children into the world. Teach kids about birth control and STD prevention. It's completely unrealistic to think that people aren't going to have sex until they're married.

Enough bleeding heart liberal suff for today.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Eric is eight and a half months old now. He is sleeping at the moment. He has started sleeping four or five hours at a stretch alone in his crib. I am unprepared for how much I miss him. I can hear his little sighs on the monitor, the heavy breath of deep sleep. I am unprepared for this profound love. Unprepared for his innocence. I’ve seen it in other parents, the way they try to keep their children happy. Their kids seem spoiled and sullen. But are they just trying to recapture this time? This time where everything in the world is a source of joy to them? Will an ice cream cone do it? A Nintendo? A volkswagon? What is the magic combination that will make my child’s face light up and his arms reach up for me to hold him? What drug, what material possession could compare to the look on your baby’s face when he recognizes you when you get home from work? How can parents hurt their children?

I cut the label of his t-shirt that Helen, our realtor gave us when she came by to do our appraisal. I figured I'd stick it in the wash with the other new clothes. It is HUGE, but I realized that it’s an 18-24 month size, the size we’re buying these days. This time is so fleeting. I want to bottle these feelings to pull out when his voice changes and he rolls his eyes at me. When I am an embarrassment to him. I want to drink from that memory because I know this perfect time will pass. It will be replaced with something as wonderful, but I can't picture it yet. It's like a movie I've been waiting for, but I've only seen the previews.

this is terrifying sometimes. I have no idea what I did to deserve this flawless child, this cheerful little boy that rarely cries, sticks out his tongue when he's concentrating and communicates in a language made completely of raspberries. But here he is when I wake up in the morning whapping at my breasts grinning for his breakfast.

I watch my husband with him. He is the perfect father. He works too much, but when he's here he's all about the boy. My husband is big and goofy, sturdy and pragmatic, loving and loyal. I am grateful for my insane 20's that gave me the wisdom to grab at the chance for this family. Please, God, Buddah, Yaweh, Allah let me keep them safe.